I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
