i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I enjoy the company of your penis
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