you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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