One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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