Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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