I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
