I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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