my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
