Screwed.edu
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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