Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
