sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
