My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
