it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
