This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
