i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
