I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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