Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So many bounce houses so little time
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
