Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
