a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
