I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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