Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
