I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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