Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
