I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
