I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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