I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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