He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
