so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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