I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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