I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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