I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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