I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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