I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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