my mouth tastes like poor choices
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
