i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
