Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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