when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
