U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
