I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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