I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
