I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
