White coat. Heels.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
