Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize