Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
