just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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