i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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