So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Randomize
