he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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