I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
my poor anus
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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