If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
